Confidence has always been my middle name. It was just didn't appear in the form of "bitch I am the shit" it was more so "I don't know how I am going to do this, but I have to make this work". I became so unsure of myself after my mother pass because the only thing I wanted to do was create a space for my younger siblings of mothering. Yeah Mama is not here, but you are not without a mother. Going to college was not something I wanted to do because that meant leaving them. My high school counselors were pure trash. Being an adult in the situation of guiding children, yes even in high school we are children, I didn't feel guided. I went to my counseling office once before I graduated from high school and he kept calling me Miss. Lewis. It's LAWS BITCH! It's not hard, just obey. I was left in the hands of half ass fucking adults. Adults that rubbed your back and say "I got you" then turn round and say "well, I have my own responsibilities and I did the best that I could". I guess not showing up was the best that they could, but are disturbed when they aren't invited to a social event of mine. I think my favorites are those that swear by my mother and my younger siblings look at them with a straight face of "I don't know you", I literally tickle on the inside as we stand in this moment of "you ain't shit". These are the adults that have groomed me into a crippling sister. To always want to be the adult that I never had. Someone that is there emotionally, physically, mentally. To not be the one that would fuss and cuss in their time of need of money, get them somewhere, or just basic needs. The adult of no judgement, but I failed. I did that.
Beaten over the head with judgement that is not mine to bear. I took on whatever problems my mother had with fellow family members, friends, and whatever these people want to be to Renee. As I grew older, I grew happier that my mother was gone. Hell, these muthafuckers are crazy. One time they are your best of the best friend just to turn around and wish teen pregnancy on your best friend's oldest daughter. Damn. If heaven was a mile away, Yeah I would leave this world behind. Not on no suicidal shit on some relief shit. On some damn where is my deep exhale. Yo. I was only 14 with this mindset. It would be nice to only have to worry about cleaning my room. But y'all don't hear me though.
So I grew quieter, listened harder, payed attention to those who I kept around, and before I knew it. People became equivalent to me licking my middle finger, rubbing it against my thumb, pinching the top right corner and turning the page. Fuck'em Karnesha I got you. Keep going. My Sophomore year in college The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill I embodied just without Zion. No relationships. Only flings aka my "hoe phase". I became so numb to what love was because it was lost many years before. So I skipped Zion everytime it came on. The birth of a child, unconditional love that was explained in the song just did not resonate with my spirit at the time. Then I could not find the remote to my damn tv as the guitar hit the keynotes of the beginning of "To Zion" annoyed and forced. Fuck it Karnesha let it play.
Then I fell in love, well forced myself to love because I am now knocking on year twenty-five with no children, almost educated, I have a year left, no man. I guess this is it. I didn't choose him and he didn't choose me. Kanye shrug make it work because this is the bullshit society that was shoved down my throat. I keep hearing "no children, no man, what you waiting on"? That relationship was a fail from the start if you read the first part of this paragraph. But this time around I loved differently. I loved wholeheartedly, I loved openly, just to hear "Well she makes me feel more like a man". Fuck it Karnesha I got you.
I cried, then he came back, then I rejoiced. I felt like God counted my tears. Oh no I didn't take him back of course. I normally if ever go back for seconds. I really don't eat leftovers, so why would I treat my men any different. Now I am twenty-six with a degree, that I can not use (Biology), no man, no children, beautiful, and talented what do you want to do? Look for work in my field. By twenty-seven I was opening my eyes to self-love, crystals, magic, what I possessed. Hey Shelah Marie and her journey. Boom my first LLC, She Created Love, my love for the arts beamed. I love pottery and sculpting, but I, I Karnesha Laws, am walking art. Hey KiKi Layne and her first time audition landing her first major movie role. Now, hello four year old Karnesha who wanted to be the biggest star in the world. For some reason all of that bullshit makes my road to stardom so much sweeter.
So fuck it, I got you Karnesha. Go hard for you Karnesha. I surrender to you Karnesha. I love you Karnesha. I birth you Karnesha.